Monogamy vs Faithfulness

Sigh...I don't even know where to start with this one, so I'm just going to grab a bag of popcorn and wait for the fireworks lol.

Nicholas,
I read this entry with great interest...so now that you've expressed the opinion that men can be totally loyal to their 'boys' but not to their mates, how do I, as a woman who is totally devoted to my husband and who would NEVER consider cheating, earn / engender / inspire that kind of loyalty toward ME and our marriage?

My husband has not been physically unfaithful (to my knowledge) but his occasional internet flirting has created problems for us in the past. I see it as very serious, he does not. He'll apologize, stop for a while, then do it again - to a lesser degree, but does that really matter?

Interested to know what you think from a man's perspective...

As a man, I have no clue what you are talking about. This article is poorly written and confusing. If I were your English teacher, I'd give you a D- with a note saying, please re-submit to redeem yourself.

Please think it out or get an editor / proofreader or write an outline or something. No more posts from our your iPhone while waiting for your loyal homeboys to get out of the bathroom. LOL.

Seems kind of silly to me. It could be true. I will have to poll some of my guy friends to determine if this is correct. This may not apply to all men. Maybe some who are more loyal to their guy friends than to their woman.

I'm a man and I don't understand this article either.

I agree with your first paragraph and this, "Some men are as faithful as their options allow them to be, other men simply cheat out of curiosity!"

This is true. I'm willing to bet a man like Tiger Woods who was probably considered a nerve in high school/college had trouble getting a date his pre-success years. However, when he became successful suddenly that door blew open. It comes down to options, curiosity, numbers (which favor men), and perhaps biology.

I believe we cheat because we want to cheat and women allow us to cheat. It's really that simple. It doesn't have a thing to do with loyalty. There are plenty of men who are "loyal" to their wives in the sense that they do all the things men are suppose to do and would never leave their wives for the other woman. Yet they still sleep around.

With us it's simply a "dyck thing." We like sex. Some of us like having sex with alot of different women. If a man is on point nine times out of ten there will be women ready to get down and make his day.If the opportunity is there most men will be tempted to take it (especially if she is everything the wife is not).

Personally, I don't see the point of cheating...not when we can just stay single. I'm single and that allows me to do whatever I want. I think many people believe brothers have an issue with commitment when in reality we just don't want to give up the lifestyle of single men. Granted there are alot of us with commitment issues, but frankly the idea of living as a bachelor is far more appealing to many of us than being tied down to one woman.

If we're married and we cheat we're UNFAITHFUL promiscuous "dogs." If we're single and we sleep around we're just promiscuous "dogs."

Well, at least as a single man I don't have to worry about "her" trying to walk away with everything when she decides to divorce me.

"Have you noticed that a man is less forgiving when he catches a woman cheating? That's because in his mind he's saying, "You actually like this guy!"

I disagree. I think it comes down to pride and respect with us....not loyalty. The idea of another man getting it on with a woman I THOUGHT was my woman is disrespectful and it hurts a man's pride.

This is all bullshit. I'm convinced there aren't many men left on this earth who can be monogomous. But we as women are expected to be loyal...I've always been a loyal person, but since relationships aren't really solidified these days I guess they don't really exist. Right? With that being said...I guess we're all free to do whatever. Women, take heed.

Some people have too many feelings and can type way too long.

I am more curious about this whole 'men trying to fend off temptation' thing.
I have heard men say that there is so much temptation, but I can never understand why it is so hard to say no.

@Michelle....I'm curious about why men can't say no and just walk away too. Why do they let the "same ole same ole" tempt them?

Why is it okay for men and not women? is the mentality really that disfigured? I for one have never been in a real relationship but i have sisters and have watched them for years to get advise and tips on men since one is married now and the other will be this Fall of 2010. Personally and honestly, if the man acts shady or wrong in any way, call him out. If he is used to getting away and now finds out that the girl he's with will tell him what's up, than maybe he will come around. if the girl is caught cheating, well i have never cheated but i know someone who was the 'other girl" and i told her if she was his gf n he cheated on her they she'd be mad too...I had to get her to let go because she had been with him a couple times and i told her it isn't right. no matter what..

JUST BE FAITHFUL AND STOP TRYING TO MAKE THINGS HARDER FOR YOURSELF!

'Michelle' wrote, "I am more curious about this whole 'men trying to fend off temptation' thing.
I have heard men say that there is so much temptation, but I can never understand why it is so hard to say no."

1). Because it's a thrill and 2). Because it feels good.

"I am more curious about this whole 'men trying to fend off temptation' thing.
I have heard men say that there is so much temptation, but I can never understand why it is so hard to say no."

Pick one or more:
1) They have no restraint
2) They don't think they will get caught
3) They think that if their mate isn't doing something then they have a right to go out and get it elsewhere
4) They are selfish
5) They have no integrity and no honor
6) They have no sense of decency
7) They don't value their spouse more than the sex they are getting from someone else

Of course that doesn't sound as great as cheating men would put it, but it tends to boil down to at least one and usually all of those things. Don't shoot the messenger lol.

@Reecie, I agree with the messenger. I would also like to add that men care more about what the want then how their actions will affect their spouse or significant other. Maturity is a major problem too. Men want to be married and single at the same time.

This reading is interesting. There was a time when my man was unfaithful to me. I do not blame myself for his actions, but I must say that i stopped keeping it interesting. I stopped being the way that i was when we began. When entering into a relationship of any kind personal or business, there are expectations. When those expectations aren't being met, then the reason why the relationship began is questionable IF NOT discussed. Open communication has to be apart of any relationship. If one has a contract with someone or a company there are certain things that are expected to be throughout the time of the contract. No one can say that they married someone with the expectations of that person getting fat and lazy and ugly! But if these things should occur in a relationship then they can be discussed in a sensitve way. I would disagree that men are loyal to their male friends and agree that they do share alot of info with them. Many men have major trust issues and would not want some of the shared info to come out at the wrong time, so they wouldn't share too much

Good points...I agree

This was a good read. I believe that lasting relationships have "friendship" as the foundation. What I took away from this article is the idea that a lasting relationship is built on friendship first. I've had several girlfriends in my life compared to having two best friends since my teen years. If I had a female version of my homies, I would probably have longer staying power in relationships.

When is there going to be another update?

Finally a brother who get's it!!!!!

Most men make little use of their speech than to give evidence against their own understanding..

Thanks for the info Sixx and everyone else.This topic could go on forever. Bottom line is when you have "self" on the the throne rather than God u operate with flesh first thinking in all areas. What feels good and not what is godly. True saints make big mistakes, but when you have a real relationship with God you have a filter and convictions that make u get that thing right. Yeah I took yall to church for a hot second, but its all gospel........

One thing I've found is that men love flattery even more than women do because it let's them know they've still got IT, esp. if they're married. They want to know they can still attract another woman, but women usually will take the compliment, but really only fly high when their mate gives them that kind of attention.
Proof: My husband had a woman come straight out & ask for his number in front of me (I wasn't standing next to him, but was there & saw/heard it). All with perfect timing, but still wrong...he turned and said, "this is my wife" to which she profusely apologized. We were out with friends & of course, the men were looking like he had been kicked in the groin (since it happened in front of me, you know OUCH!), and the women were NOT laughing while my husband basked in the light of knowing his boys looked at him REALLY like he's still got it (he loved it).
Now...I've gone to the damn grocery store & only mentioned a guy on the way out did a double take & almost got hit by a car by acting a fool & my husband CLOWNED!
Women go through all sorts of stuff to stay looking good, but men seem to be the ones who really need the ego stroked.

Men don't think until after the damage is done. Women consider ALL that will happen & usually hide it better just like she can recount what happened 10 years ago, what time of day, the weather, and every other little detail.
I agree that men see it as a destroyed ego & their manhood is questioned (as if they couldn't satisfy her, so she went with another).
Women on the other hand don't view the sex aspect as high on the list, they look at whether they nurtured him enough, the cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, loving him, taking care of him when he's sick stuff...as in how could he after all I've done & sacrificed for him.
I for one, if he ever cheated...it's a wrap. No trust for me equals no love.

Guys maybe it wasn't intended for the ladies to post but thanks anyway for listening. I love this forum since you hear what men really think instead of women who think they know. Yeah I'm a woman and believe we have to go with the facts not with what we want them to be. I can't stand stupid acting women who debate what a man tells you. A wise woman used to tell me that when you get it from the horse's mouth, when he SHOWS you who he really is...believe him!!!!!!!

If a man wants to be faithful he will, if he doesn't he won't and the reasons don't matter.
Will they matter if you sleep with someone else? Hell NO!
All he'll see is you spread it for another guy.
Women need to stop with all this (this is why they take advantage of you), we can work it out, he made a mistake, he fell into it crap.
You're holding onto the love and he knows that BEFORE he cheats and is why he has hope that it will all work out if he gets caught.

Women who cheat do all they can to hide it and know that more than likely the man won't forgive them.
In all, I guess my man should be glad that if he ever does he at least won't have to hear me go on & on about it and suffer forever, I'll just be done, over & out! PEACE

I am married and have been for almost 3 years and I noticed that when we are out my husband tend to stare at other women attractive and not so attractive and he says that he doesn't but I know what I see. Not only that we both are approaching 40 and our sex life isn't that great. We both have lost employment and there's a lot of pressure on us both but mostly on me right now because I do still have some income. However, my husband have done unfaithful things in the past and he acts as though he completely can't understand my caution. So when he does things like stare at other women it makes me think especially when he does it in my face and lies about it. Not only that now that we are not working we spend lots of time with each other. Spending that time together gave me the time I need to see who he really is and it's not pretty. I felt that my husband was ready for marriage. He showed a different side to me when we met. I can't say that I did not see signs of this before we got married but we talked about things and he promised to get better. This isn't the only situation either he puts his family issues before me and lash out at me when I defend myself. He does not defend me as his wife at all. I feel as though I am living and competing with another women within my own home and fear that he will cheat just to get back at me. Right now he does not have a car and I don't all him to hang out and mine or the family car. We fight about that too but I feel if you are going to hang out you should be able to tell your wife where and around when you will be home. He refuses and get mad at the fact that I even ask. Strange numbers come up on his cell and he will get nervous and say they have the wrong # and the most of them happen late at night. What do I do when I feel I can't trust my husband with nothing.... I feel as though he's jealous of me and wants to get back at me for having to change most of his single ways.

LaSandrus I think you're living every married individuals worst nightmare(Not trusting their mate) I'll leave you with a quote from my new book "Giving Love a Chance, Woman gives herself as a prize to the weak and as a prop to the strong, and no man ever has what he should.

I am dating a man who I know for a FACT is cheating, that does NOT bother me. What bothers me is that I told him that he CAN tell me that he is cheating! I've told him that I am a big girl, I can handle the the TRUTH. He believes that I will flip out or something. What makes me want to flip out, is all those LIES I bust him in. My thing is I am a grown woman and don't have time for the games. Just be Real with me. Just as much as he meets women or get tempted, the same goes for me. I get it just as bad or more than he does. I told him this SEVERAL times yet he won't admit it. So then you ask: Break up with him Miss Cane! I like what we have when we are together. Hell we can have an open relationship if that is the case; and YES I told him this. And men folk think its a woman thing. Its NOT!

LaSandrus: Y Sixx King sounds like it's unfair, but this is how men perceive it...he's probably right.

My take is:
The old saying is usually true.."if you have to ask"....your husband might have honestly thought he was ready for what he PERCEIVED marriage would be & is either finding out he's not ready & he might be going through a mid-life crisis where what used to be simply cheating has turned into (as he approaches 40 & has no job, i.e. self-esteem & manhood challenged), trying to prove he's still got it by having another who doesn't know him or have anything vested in him, stroke his ego.
It's easy for another woman to be easy breezy when they don't have to deal with him ALL the time, his crazy habits, his depression from being out of work or the bills that he resents you paying since you work and he doesn't (you hit the nail on the head with that one).

He has to be trustworthy or NOT, very simple. If you can't trust him....it's a wrap. You will only make yourself miserable and it sounds like he's taking his issues out on you instead of appreciating your love and concern and paying the bills. Unfortunately we lash out at those who stick with us simply because they're there (been there).

He's sure you're not walking so he doesn't feel he has to be careful, kind, considerate....but will give his best to someone else who he knows will tell him where to go if he flips on them.

If you need to walk, do so, but present it to him and he probably will change (maybe not for good though) because he has NO job, no money (except yours)and won't have a place to live without you. Believe it or not more people are staying together in this economy because they can't afford to live apart. Thank goodness YOU have the income instead of him!

Men will often turn their cheating around on women. My ex told me that she was there for him when I wasn't (defending her), but somehow forgot that I wasn't "there" for him while he fell into her stuff because he was cheating on me with HER while I was pregnant & had the nerve to tell me what HE was going through.

Where do men get this stuff?!?!

Why would you accept this behavior from him? Are you unable to let go?

Sixx that was quite possibly one of the least helpful comments I've ever seen in response to a complicated situation. That quote does nothing to address her issue whatsoever.

Diane, good insights. For me it's tough to advise a married woman what to do, because I do believe in the sanctity of marriage. However, at some point you cannot allow yourself to continue in an unhealthy situation. It seems like LaSandrus' marriage is plagued by a wide-ranging host of issues. To have issues with money AND monogamy AND family AND communication AND just overall respect is pretty extreme. My suggestion is start with a honest discussion about whether you and your husband want to stay married. If either one of you have lost the basic desire to want to remain married then staying that way is futile and improvements won't be made. If you do want to stay married then seek marriage counseling.

Miss Cane...it sounds to me like you are kidding yourself. I don't think your issue is with him lying it is with him cheating, but to say that you would be ok with him cheating if he just told you the truth for some reason sounds better and less threatening. If you were truly ok with him cheating then what difference would it make if he told you the gritty details or not? Also...why are you even putting up with cheating by someone you are DATING? You said you would be ok with having an open relationship but he is ALREADY doing that by sleeping around! Don't commit yourself to someone who is not committed to you in any way. Date others and maybe you can actually find someone who will be faithful.

I am loving yout dating adventures.

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