Editor's Note: It's A Man's World featuring independent male bloggers is intended to go inside the minds of single men and give their unfiltered perspectives on dating and relationships. The views and opinions expressed in this blog are solely those of the blogger and do not reflect those of ESSENCE or ESSENCE.com. Check out the latest post from popular relationship blogger and ESSENCE.com contributor Anslem Samuel.
The other day I found myself involved in an interesting conversation with this girl *Renee, who I met through my friend during brunch. Apparently Renee and her long-term boyfriend have been together for six years and she's been waiting for the past two years for her ring. Now, the idea of a woman wanting/expecting an engagement ring after several years of monogamy is not unheard of. In fact, Renee assured me that her beau is more than ready to make that lifelong commitment to her. The reason for her wait, though, is that she wants a specific ring. A five-figure sparkler that he's been spending the past 24-plus months saving up for, while also stacking chips for the down payment on their first home once they're married.
As a homeowner, I know how tough it is to come up with the down payment for a new crib, but to be completely honest I have/had no idea how much a good engagement ring goes for (I don't wear jewelry, not even a watch, it's just not my thing). Even still, a 10K ring doesn't seem too outlandish for the woman you plan to love 'til death do you part, but at the same time, that's at least a fourth of the down payment you'd need to put down on a decent home. My financial-framed mind can think of a million better ways for newlyweds to spend their money. Furthermore, I doubt in these tough financial times that the average Joe has an extra 10Gs laying around in his bank account in hopes that his beloved says "I do." Couldn't that money go to buying their first home, opening a college fund for their first born, or just something more concrete and sensible than a piece of jewelry that rests solely on your bride's finger?
That's not to say I don't believe the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with doesn't deserve the absolute best, it's just that I don't think there should be a price tag on your love. Given the costs of weddings, homes, kids, etc., doesn't a high priced bauble seem a little less significant in the grand scheme of things? No wonder the average couple begins their marriage in a financial hole and it takes them years before they can actually buy their first crib (if at all). You can't live in or eat a ring, but the money overspent on one could provide so much. To top it all off, it's a but unfair because the union starts off with the woman getting a bonus, while the guy gets stuck with a bill. Of course, marriage isn't about who gets what and how much (that's for the divorce lawyers to figure out) but it still seems like a lopsided way to begin a lifelong relationship. The woman demands/expects a pricey token of affection, and if the man doesn't deliver gets placed in the doghouse forever or gets viewed as less of a man.
While all these thoughts rattled around in my head, I finally asked Renee one pivotal question: "If your boyfriend gave you a ring that was lesser than the one you dreamed of, would you accept it or walk away?" Thankfully, she gave me hope for the female species by saying that yes she would accept a lesser ring because she truly loves him. She did admit that she would be highly disappointed, though. I can live with that, but if she had said she would have walked away I would've given her serious side-eye. Because if a woman is more focused on a ring and its price tag rather than the actual meaning behind it and the love it symbolizes, then that female probably isn't the right one for me.
I know most little girls dream of their wedding day with all their family, friends and enemies basking in their special day (the man is usually just another accent to her day). And they fantasize about the day their beloved gets down on one knee and pops the big question. After a woman says yes, she'll walk around for months/years showing off their rock to anyone with eyes. But I'd hope in all the excitement and hoopla that the woman I gave that ring too (no matter the price) would value my love, my presence, my pluses and negatives more than a gold or platinum band with a fossilized piece of coal on her finger. I hope, I pray.
Okay, ladies, same question: If the man you loved got you a ring that was lesser than the one you wanted, would you accept or decline? Why? How important is an engagement ring to you? Would you sacrifice a pricey ring in favor of buying a home or starting a college fund for your kids? Do you think there are some women out there that dream of getting married so badly that they'll accept a ring from a man they don't even love just to get hitched? Fellas, how much would you be willing to drop for the love of your life? Is there such a thing as too much?
Speak your piece...
*Name has been changed.
Check out more of Samuel's work at his award-winning personal blog Naked With Socks On.
Photo Credit: Kenroy George
The views and opinions expressed in this blog are solely those of the blogger and do not reflect those of ESSENCE or ESSENCE.com.
Anslem Samuel makes an excellent point with his blog. You can count me in the school of thought that it is ridiculous to spend a fortune on a ring. I work in corporate America where it is very common to see people (men and women) wear a simple wedding band. As a result, I don't think it's necessary to wear a huge gaudy ring just to prove a point (I saw Khloe Kardashain's ring on Sunday and although my jaw dropped from how fat her rock was it actually looked tacky). I'd much rather have a HUSBAND and a simple ring than a boyfriend and a ring on layaway for 2+ years. Plus I'm starting to see more and more people upgrade their rings at a later time. I think that is a much smarter idea then trying to go big from the jump when there are so many other expenses an engaged couple has to worry about.