Elaine,

My fiancé and I just received a very generous cash gift for our upcoming wedding. 

While I know the person means well, the amount of money is more than we feel comfortable accepting. 

 Is it appropriate to decline and return the money?  How can we do this while letting him know that we appreciate it, just feel that it is too much? 

Thanks.

Dear Reader,

Do not give the money back. It is never appropriate to return a gift to the giver (unless you know for a fact first-hand, it is illegal or stolen). Treat this gift as you would if you had received a polka-dotted ceramic frog lamp. Accept it gracefully and follow up with a kind thank you. A particular gift may not fall in line with your taste or comfort level but that does not change the definition of what it actually is - a gift. Treat it as such.

Keep in mind most people will give more because they can (give more). Depending on this person's level of wealth an uncomfortable amount of cash to you could be a pittance to them. Returning the gift will do nothing but offend the giver and you'll end up with another set of challenges such as learning "The proper way to apologize when you've offended a friend". Take the gift, invest it wisely, and keep it stepping.

Send your questions to essence-askelaine@elaineswann.com. Get free etiquette tips and advice on my website elaineswann.com and follow me on Twitter @elaineswann

Dear Elaine,

While going through my son's graduation cards/gifts after his party I did not see one from his Aunt, who attended.  Is it polite to mention the card? We don't expect a gift from her, we were just glad she was able to attend. We are very close and she did not say anything to me. I am not sure to bring it up because she is having money troubles lately.

Dear Reader,

Congratulations to your son (and you) for his graduation! Each milestone in life is a wonderful achievement. If your son's Aunt (whom you know is experiencing financial difficulties) did not leave a card or gift why you are perplexed? You say you "were just glad she came" yet for whatever reason you feel the unction to inquire about her leaving some sort of token behind. Why? I'm sure you are actually glad she came because one- you said so and two- it's always nice to have family around to celebrate certain milestones in life. But it seems as though that really just wasn't quite enough. If it were okay, the thought of "Oh Aunt Mable didn't leave a card" would have just been a fleeting thought. Especially once you remembered her current financial situation.

So to answer your question, I would say it's not polite for you to mention the missing card (or gift) to your son's Aunt. Although you are very close she may not have shared with you what it really took for her to even make it to the party. Your son's graduation may have come at a terrible time for her and for all we know she may have felt badly for not bringing anything at all. Perhaps the only gift she was able to give was her presence. Your mention of this could quite possibly make her feel even worse and make you come across as unappreciative.

In fact in light of her situation it should be you (or your son rather) that should send her a card. While he's making out his thank you cards for all he'd received, it would be kind to include one to his Aunt as well. He could simply say "Aunt Mable, I'd like to thank you for attending my graduation. I was so happy you could share this day with me". You never know, that might just brighten her day and teach your son to appreciate the small things in life all at the same time.

On the other hand perhaps I'm way off track and your son's Aunt is completely thoughtless and just came to your party for the free food and drink. Well if that's so then do what any good hostess would do - gracefully shake it off and keep on steppin'.

Send your questions to askelaine@elaineswann.com. Get free etiquette tips and advice on my website elaineswann.com and follow me on Twitter @elaineswann

As we all go to and fro hustling about during the day the one thing that can get us a bit frazzled is the elevator dance that we sometimes have to do. Here one reader shares their frustration on this somewhat daily annoyance.

Dear Elaine,
Please address the etiquette of elevator doors closing and people thrusting an arm or leg to stop the doors to jump in. I get so annoyed when I'm in a hurry and some person stops the door from closing to get on. Shouldn't they just wait?

Dear Reader,

I understand your plight. Here's my advice on Elevator Etiquette.

The person getting on the elevator should stand to the side and wait for others to exit before stepping in.

The person inside and closest to the elevator door exits first.

The person nearest to the control panel should offer to push the elevator buttons.

A person who is standing far away from the control panel should "politely ask" if the person nearest the panel would push the button for their floor.

Now, if the doors are closing and:

You are inside the elevator and you see someone coming, at least make an attempt to push the button to reopen the door.

You are outside the elevator and you see the door wide open, people inside, enough room for you (and your stuff) and you are just 2 to 3 steps away, then and only then may you say "Hold the door please".

You are outside the elevator and you see the elevator door inches form closing. Just accept it as a sign that you were not supposed to get on that elevator and wait for the next.

Finally, for everyone's safety, don't thrust any body parts, briefcases, or bags, strollers or children in between a closing elevator door.

Each week, The Etiquette Lady answers questions exclusively from the ESSENCE audience on all of your etiquette dilemmas. (Have an issue you want help with? Send in a question today). Read on for this week's hot topic.

Dear Elaine,

I'm getting married this September and my coworker just asked me if I was going to have a bridesmaid brunch. I don't know what it is and was too embarrassed to ask so I told her I was still thinking about it. Please describe a bridesmaid brunch - where do you have it?  What do you serve to eat?  How do you decorate?  Do the guests bring gifts?  WHAT IS THE CRAZY THING???????????????????? Please help me!

Dear reader,

I get how you feel. There are so many pre-wedding parties nowadays; it can become a bit confusing. I am happy to help clarify. A Bridesmaids Brunch is an event that takes place before the wedding and is generally hosted by the Bride. The purpose is to honor her bridesmaids and say thank you for sharing her special day. This soirée can take place at someone's home or a restaurant. Anywhere a group of ladies can gather to enjoy an afternoon together is sufficient. Unlike a Bridal Shower there are no activities or games played during this affair.

Guests are usually limited to just the bride and her attendants.  It's at this event where many brides will present her thank you gift to the ladies participating in her wedding. Other than this, no other gifts are exchanged.

Décor can be chic with simple yet elegantly stated flowers. The menu can consist of traditional brunch items such as quiche or frittata, salmon, fresh fruit, special breads, and simple dessert like coffee cake. Or you can make it a splash and have a margarita themed party. Whatever you think your girls will enjoy, go for it and have fun!


Vowing to tackle bad manners one person at a time, Author, Lifestyle & Etiquette Expert Elaine Swann has shared her advice on the TODAY Show, ABC, NBC, CBS, CW and FOX NEWS.  She's been featured on radio and in print publications such as Modern Bride Magazine, Exquisite Weddings magazine, and more.

Get FREE etiquette advice and tips on her website www.elaineswann.com. Send your etiquette questions to askelaine@elaineswann.com.

Dear Elaine,

My husband and I have been asked by a friend to be houseguests. We'd really prefer to stay in a hotel and just take her out for dinner while visiting her city.  How can we decline to stay with her without hurting her feelings? I don't want to say "We'd be more comfortable in a hotel".
Thanks for your help...

Dear Reader,

Tell your friend that in addition to spending time with her, you and your husband are looking at your visit as a little "Couples Retreat" for the just two of you. Let her know you'd like to have a little bit of "Husband - Wife" fun while you are away from home and the normal distractions of everyday life.

Just be sure you put emphasis on the "Couples Retreat" vibe. Not that you have to make her think you two would be swinging from the chandeliers, but perhaps you can get a little close to that image without fibbing. And then actually do just that! Make this get away a time for you and your husband to really enjoy one another.

Be sure you let your friend know you'd like to spend some special time with her by treating her to dinner. Keep the conversation light and simple. Don't put too much emphasis on the part of not staying at her house. Remain focused on the time you will spend together and again, do just that!

Vowing to tackle bad manners one person at a time, Author, Lifestyle & Etiquette Expert Elaine Swann has shared her advice on the TODAY Show, ABC, NBC, CBS, CW and FOX NEWS.  She's been featured on radio and in print publications such as Modern Bride Magazine, Exquisite Weddings magazine, and more. Get FREE etiquette advice and tips on her website www.elaineswann.com. Send your etiquette questions to askelaine@elaineswann.com.

Dear Elaine

I received 3 gifts for my birthday this year and they're really not that bad but they're things that I'm just not into and haven't used yet. I have a friend and 2 family members in mind who would probably appreciate them more than I do but I don't want to seem cheap.

Dear reader,

The one thing that stands out about your question is that you believe your friend and family members would appreciate the gift.

This is the best way to gauge whether or not you should re-gift. If it's something that is nice but just a not-exactly-you gift it's alright to give it to someone else who you "know" would enjoy it. Now this does not mean pass on things that you wouldn't dare actually pay money for. What I mean is to think of someone who would not be offended if they received this particular gift from you.

So go ahead, re-gift but be thoughtful in your choices. Don't use the same wrapping, discard any tags with your name on it and be sure not to re-gift within the same circle of people.

Welcome to The Etiquette Lady Blog! My name is Elaine Swann and I am absolutely thrilled and honored to be invited to become a blogger on Essence.com. As a veteran Lifestyle and Etiquette Expert I am here to share my professional advice on etiquette for today's modern society.

From Blackberry etiquette to FaceBook manners to workplace decorum and more, I'll take your questions give you answers to help you with dilemmas in both traditional and modern day etiquette challenges.

Regarded as one of the foremost authorities on etiquette and protocol, I've shared my advice on NBC's Today Show, the Style Network, Modern Bride Magazine, PBS Radio and much more. For more than a decade I have provided training programs, keynote speeches and executive training for various businesses, civic, and professional organizations. Some of my clients include Bank of America, San Diego State University, and, Executive Women International.

My goal is to use this blog to provide you with the tools to use the power of polite to get what you want, get your point across and gently put rude people in their place. So send me your questions and I'll personally email you my answer. Some of your questions will appear in this blog but I will be sure to keep your identity private. Please do join in on the dialogue. Post your comments on both the questions and answers. I'd love to hear from you.

Read on and enjoy. I want to help you develop appropriate manners for any given situation, and encourage you to flourish in a supreme standard of Modern Etiquette and Style!


Nip it in the Nail

Dear Elaine,

I have been my getting nails done with same person for 1 1/2 yrs. I was never really pleased but I tipped well. I'm friendly with my nail technician but not social. One day she was sick so I tried another salon and loved my nails. Do I tell her I am not coming back or just not go anymore?  Please help.


Dear Reader,

My 3 core values of etiquette are Respect Honesty & Consideration. Use honesty & consideration in this case.

There's no need to go into detailed explanation. Just give her a call, tell her you recently tried another salon and decided you'd like to go there from now on. You can add. "I just wanted to give you a courtesy call so you knew I hadn't dropped off the face of the earth!" Keep it short, sweet, simple, and to the point.

If you disappear she'll be left wondering what happened. Then if you run into her while out and about it would be awkward. Getting the truth out front will be better in the long run.

Elaine


Send your questions to askelaine@elaineswann.com. Get free etiquette tips and advice on my website elaineswann.com