November 2009 Archives

Just what I always wanted but could never admit.

"I will never own a Snuggie, ever!" I vowed.

 

"Yeah, right," said the chorus.

The Hubby and friends all knew that it was just a matter of time before I surrendered to the fact that I am an ideal Snuggie customer: a mashed couch potato, that if given the chance would spend my days and night glued to the idiot box, with a few naps and snacks sprinkled in here and there. Aaaaaah, heaven...

But I would never admit to that out loud, because that would mean admitting that I was lazy and wasn't as cool as I thought I was. If an idle mind is the devil's playground, then the devil has had way too much fun at my expense. I'm a reformed lazy goat, okay? I don't need anything that will enable me to revert to my true nature.

 

Snuggie be damned!

Yes, I hated on the Snuggie hard. I mean, what's the point? Get a real blanket for Christ's sakes, or better yet, rock your bathrobe backwards. It's just one more unnecessary thing to sell, one more ridiculous thing to buy. Don't we have enough useless crap in the world? Right?

But as much as I would rant against it, deep down inside I knew the truth. The lady doth protest too much, shall we say? The truth was that I wanted nothing more than to cuddle up and get all cozy in one of those blankets with sleeves. Like I said before, I would never admit it. 

I thought I had everyone fooled.

"I'm totally getting you a Snuggie," said the Hubby.

"You will do no such thing!" I'd shoot back.

I couldn't even walk past a Snuggie display at Target without getting all weird and avoiding eye contact with the boxes. Did that woman on the box just wink at me?

"You know you want one," she'd say with her eyes.

Noooooooooooo! Die Snuggie die!

And then one night, on my way from JFK Airport into Manhattan, my friend texted me that he and his wife had a funny present waiting for me upon my arrival to their apartment.

"Oh, god. Did you get me a pink dildo or something? I'm scared."

"No stupid, you'll see. It's perfect for you."

And what did they think was so perfect for me? 

A Snuggie!!! 

They got me a leopard print Snuggie!!!

"YES!!!" 

It wasn't long before I was laid out on their couch, draped in my new Snuggie, sipping Yerbe Mate, watching "Dexter" reruns. Aaaaaah, heaven...

"It's perfect for you," my friends said of my Snuggie.

"I know. Thanks you guys!" I replied, wishing I had been the one who invented it.

As I was getting myself together to take my dog on his morning walk, there was a knock at the door. I hesitated for a moment before I went to answer it, thinking that it was just a neighbor that I could blow off.  But then I thought that since I was leaving soon, they'd see me anyway. Might as well open the door. There stood two little old ladies that I didn't recognize from the neighborhood.

"Good morning. We'd like to give you a copy of Watchtower."

Damn! They got me.
The last time I was paid a visit by Jehovah Witnesses, I was still living in the Bronx.
Besides Prince and the Jacksons, I didn't even know they were still around, let alone still going door to door.

"Huh, thank you."

The old lady that handed me my copy, pointed down at the little wooden Confucius statue outside our front door.
"I thought an Asian was going to answer the door with that thing there," she said.
Sorry to disappoint ya, grandma.

She then went into something about the new issue. Something about family, blah, blah, blah and God blah, blah, blah. I instantly tuned her out, wishing I hadn't opened the door. I really didn't want to be bothered, but since she seemed like a nice enough old lady, what's the 3-5 minutes out of my day. So while my face feigned interest, my mind went off on a tangent:

What would she say if I told her I was an atheist. Doesn't matter if I am or not, it would definitely make for an interesting exchange... That "Asian" comment was kind of funny... What would Confucius say... I hope she doesn't ask me for money... I should have eaten something...

"Do you have a bible," the other woman asked.

"Huh, yeah, of course" I replied, not sure if I really had one.

I was waiting for them to drop the money request on me at any minute.
But they never did.
They simply wished me a good day and kept it moving through the neighborhood.
Just two little old ladies coming to spread the word of their God.
Can't be mad at that.

I chuckled at how years ago I might have shoo'd them away from the door. (ok, maybe not shoo exactly, I probably would have just hid until they left.)
It made me think about how I had to go door to door for Obama during the campaign. I'm not gonna lie: I hated it! Might have been alright if we were in an Obama-friendly part of town (but that would be preaching to the choir, right?) Of course we were in a Republican neighborhood, and since I'm not a very confrontational person, the idea of trying to persuade an obvious McCain supporter that Obama's the man just wasn't my idea of a good time. Thank god there weren't many people home that day.

I'm such a lousy citizen...

And that's just it. At least those two ladies believe in something/someone so strongly that they are willing to go up to a total stranger's house, without knowing what their belief or mood is, and spread what they believe to be the Good Word. No fear at all. They couldn't care less. Man, that ballsy! Lousy citizens they are not.

Thanks for the lesson, grannies-for-Jehovah.
I now have a better understanding, appreciation, and respect for 'door-knocking-in-the-name-of-God/cause/politician/whatever'.

And if someone comes a-knockin again, I'll still just be pretending to listen to what they have to say, but my heart will be in the right place.

UPDATE:
I flipped through the Family/God blah, blah, blah reading material the grannies-for-Jehovah gave me. Here's what it said are the secrets to Family Success:

The Right Priorities
Commitment
Teamwork
Respect
Reasonableness
Forgiveness
A Firm Foundation

Just thought I'd share...